Seems LoTW is read by a 'Cock Rock', white jeans, white trainer, long haired mulleted rock god. David Coverdale has pointed out, in the last Hail Hails, that Def Leppard was the Star Trek loving, speccy geek, band of choice in the mid 80's.

If that's the case then "Pour Some Sugar On Me".

Tims In Shorts

When Georgios Samaras was rolled in front of the Tv camaras, after oor embarrassing exit from Eurpoa Competition, I fully expected some tough talking from the interviewer and an explaination from Samaras aboot the terrible decisions he made during the game against UEFA Vase bound, Aalborg BK.

Instead he said: "I think everybody is disappointed that we are out of Europe. We were a bit unlucky but that's football. We didn't create a lot of chances, we didn't have the final ball but in the end it was two unlucky situations and we were back home."

While agreeing wie what he is saying, except the we were unlucky bit, the biggest crime is that he didnae explain his decision to wear a scarf against Aalborg BK. A scarf last seen causing much merriment roond Francesco Totti's neck and one that, along wie his gloves, made me look at him and think "he disnny fancy this."

A player wearing a scarf and gloves must be a great sight to a short sleeved centre back. You can almost hear a centre half lick his lips wie glee at the thought of Nancy boy blood when faced wie a charlatan in that get up. 

It was only minus 6 in Denmark. Not cauld enough for Scott Brown to put a vest on. Sammy should be chased from oor door if he is seen in that get up again. In fact, GS should introduce the auld skins v bibs 5 a sides on a Friday afternoon.

That would sort them.

I couldnae see Gary Calderbuer wearing a vest or a simmit nevermind a bloody scarf. Since that defeat, Gary Calderbuer, has being doing a great impression of a Celtic club captain, while the Celtic club captain has been doing a great impression of Lord Lucan or has been reading the William Gallas manual on "How To Captain A Big Club".

'Heid' Calderbuer said aboot the Big Cup and how we progress: "We know this competition is amazing and it has been good to us for the last two years. We have to be in there again next year. So we have to pick ourselves up and win the league.

"We have to make sure we make it four in a row in the SPL and then come back stronger. But it's difficult. The Champions League is a hard competition.We can't just expect to walk in every year and be in the last 16. We have to earn that right. This year we haven't done enough to earn that right. But to not even be in the UEFA Cup is a huge blow."

Wie players like Wilson and Hinkel saying defeat to Aalbog BK was the "worst of their careers", I bet both of them had vests on, we need to pick oorselves up. The question is who will pick the team up?

Here Come The Highlanders.

The longboats, that huvnae been burned, the haggis that huvnae been ate and the Virgins that huvnae been, whose blood husnae been drunk, will taking the trip doon the M9, shouting "arrrrgggggghhhhh" and scaring Service Station staff wie their axes and uglyness. The Ross Tokelyites will fancy their chances of getting something from this trip, for the first time since 2000, as oor club is lying as low as Anne Frank hiding fae the Nazis.

Their recent record is poor. W2 D1 L5 in their last 8. They have won their last 2 away games right enough against Celtic's Feeder Club and The 'Marnocks. At CP they are on a 7 game losing streak. They have lost 9 goals in the last 30mins of games but they seem to lose goals at any point during games, no obvious weak spots.

Celtic, it is ironic that after getting beat of The 'Senkie of Denmark we have a chance to get beat from The 'Senkie of Ecosse so soon after,are 11 games unbeaten in the league but that counts for nothing due to the falloot fae midweek. Though, the management, feel that there was not much wrong wie the performance, I would be expecting changes in the starting 11.

Loovens, Wilson and Robson could be getting left oot wie Hartley, Naylor and Maloney coming in. There doesn't seem to be any sign of Hessellinkitis clearing up, maybe McGeady could make the bench, so we also maybe will see Cillian Sheridan getting a start to confirm him as the winner of the Craig Beattie 1st touch award 2008/09.

Heh, outwith Jan Vennegoor The 'Senkieskelper, wie 6 goals, only Craig Beattie has scored more than 1 against The 'Senkie in oor managers time here. Another ironic twist that.

Ex-playerism comes in the form of Barry Robson. Probably not worth a punt as I think he might be rested. But a 2-1 victory wie a centre back scoring from a set play.

That's it for another week. Hail Hails are open for more confessions from MOR Rock Gods or just sad people who have nothing better to do than talk aboot Celtic....

Forza.

Oh, Bonner, McGrain, Whyte, McGuigan, Aitken, Burns, McStay, McLeod, Archdeacon, Judas and McClair. 

Remember, remember 08/02/2000....what Celtic players scored that night?

It's going to be one of those "I remember where I was moments". It will be up a Lisbon moment for my generation. So, I hope I don't die before I get auld as when the 'moment' happens I will be prone to weeing maself and forgetting ma name.

Celtic, as predicted, continued their speedy exit from the Big Cup wie a 1-0 defeat against Villarreal in the fortress that is the lego inspired El Madrigal. The highlights are here (thanks to 101 Great Goals) and you will see that we had 3 decent chances, wie Georgios Samaras missing the best one just before HT and in the 2nd period we were under the cosh, saved by Artur Boruc, as Villarreal upped the tempo and destroyed us down the right flank.

Marcos Senna scored the winner from softly awarded free kick. The Villarreal player went down very easily, as they did all night, remember they spoke up how phsyical we would be?, but the truth of the matter is, no matter how much space Artur Boruc gave Senna to aim at, just the same as he gave Celtic, Dundee Utd and Wolves reject Charlie Mulgrew to aim at on Saturday, Villarreal would have scored in that period of domination.

In the second period we just could not handle Senna and Santi Cazorla, no matter how often Scott Brown clattered and closed them doon. We struggled and now that away win seems so far off that we should ask Gordon Brown to bail out this auld failing institution. 1 point out of 48 in CL away games. 1 draw in 18 games. 37 goals lost in those games. We have not scored away from home in a CL group game since Copenhagan. Under oor current incumbent Villarreal can be added to Bratislava, Manchester, Lisbon (twice), Milan (twice), Cophenhagan, Barca, Moscow and Donestk as places we have failed to win.

Not that oor manager didn't try. The first impression that he was commiting the biggest career suicide since Oasis released 'Be Here Now' wie a 4-2-3-1 formation, which included Aiden McGeady, Shaun Maloney and Nakamura. It was an attacking formation one that as was less anti-fitba' and more Kamakazi fitba'. 

The fact that it worked for 55mins against a quality team is as bemusing as Radiohead releasing that album of Thom Yorke farting for 55mins and getting praised for it. Still, no matter how well we played that stats will still show a defeat and that Villarreal had 27 shots at goal and 63% possession.

But...oor manager has taken positives oot of it. And so he should. Anyone today that gie's the manager a shread of abuse has took their Anti-Strachanism to new heights or a new low. The manager said... "I asked the lads for a performance - forget about the results - and the performance for the first 55 minutes said, 'Yes, you belong at this level'."....now all Timdom hope that we can get it nearer 90mins and that he takes this 4-2-3-1 formation into domestic games.

Over on the chip on the shoulder camp, Gary Caldwell moans about the cheating barstewards and the soft freekick award. He also makes the point, that was made in the Hail Hail's last night, when he says....“They are very clever, they go down very easily at times and it’s something that we have to learn. “We have to do it in their half, to get those free-kicks to give us breathing space.”....yes, we should becoming cheating barstewards and play them at their own game. I also want us to highlight the diving before games just like Villarreal did by saying we were going to be physical.

Also, word has reached LoTW, via a person close to him, via a man at the end of a bar, via a chance bumping into the said man in the bookies, that Gary Caldwell does not expect to be a Celtic next season. No further details but the story is he does not expect a new contract to be forthcoming.

Lots to talk aboot. We are in the UEFA Vase place in the group. A double heider wie Man Utd coming up and the likely outcome that we will need to go to Denmark and win to ensure European Fitba' after the bloke in the big red suit has been.

So, leave a Hail Hail, even ones about pishing in fish tanks are allowed and you don't need to be logged in to do it.

Forza

Midweek LoTW, goals, crap rumours, madness and bawbaggery. Let's start wie the bawbaggery.

Jim Jeffries, bawbag and greeting faced, has decided that Celtic players need to live wie getting slapped after winning penalties. He also moans that wee teams are treated differently while polishing the wee team chip on his shoulder.

No mention that it's a sending off if any player strikes another player, like the Kilmarnock player did, and no mention of, what oor manager was trying to highlight, that Setanta have not mentioned the incident and you can bet yer bottom dollar that the next time a Celtic player banjo's someone the biggest Kangaroo Court since Skippy (the kangaroo not the player) was done for koala porn on his laptop will be called. Nasty business.

Let's not let auld fannybaws get us down. Celtic marched into the quarter finals of the Diddy Cup last night wie a 4-0 victory against Livingston. Goals from Glenn Loovens, Scott Brown  and another double from Georgios Samaras. The goals are here, here, here and here.

The manager decided to make changes wie rotation being the new buzzword at CP. Make no mistake, the proof that we now probably have the best squad options, attacking and midfield wise anyway, at CP under GS and we really do have 'quality' to come on from the bench to change the games or to rotate when needed. Whether he makes the right decisions is another question.

For the game last night the manager made 7 changes from the team that won at Kilmarnock. In came Aiden McGeady, Glenn Loovens, Paul Hartley, Paul Caddis, Scott McDonald, Massimo Donati and Andy Hinkel who still didn't impress.

These changes could have disrupted the team but it didn't. The new found pace in the final third that team 4 has developed was too much for Livingston, just as it has been for Motherwell and Kilmarnock, wie Samaras, Scotland's top goalscorer, McGeady, McDonald, Donati in the first 65mins and then Scott Brown having a field day wie the movement and pace in this area.

Aiden McGeady can be pleased wie his nights work. He was as rampant as a rabbit on viagra and one 70 yard run in the 2nd period, which ended up wie him hitting the post would have surpassed Sammy's goal on Sunday. Samaras, again, is looking like a player and at 22 I'm sure the board are sniffing a sell on value. Scott McDoanld should have scored a few but looks to be a bit crusty round the mince pie mid-drift. Shaun Maloney came on and won the same penalty that he has won in the last 2 games. The M.I.B's must be questioning this as that's 3 games in a row we have been awarded a chance to miss from 12 yards.

So all in the manager was pleased. He was pleased wie Scotland's top goalscorer- who must be a stick on for the Player Of The Month award- and praised Aiden while hiding his dislike for him. So things are looking good but why does the urge comeover LoTW to bottle these moments of contentment and smugness to sniff at a later date when it all goes pear-shaped?

Things don't look to good for Livingston. After having a mad Irishman in charge who nearly run them to rack and ruin they now have a mad Italian called Angelo Massone in charge who states that Celtic have the budget to win the Big Cup. Wie this grasp of reality I'm sure the banks are waiting eagerly for the 'For Sale' sign to appear once again at Livingston but Massone probably thinks Livingston could win the UEFA Vase wie a budget that affords him, the delights of loaning out Rocco Quinn from us.

In another example of the world going mad, the usually spot on Channel 4 Football Italia website has run a story written in never, neverland that Hernan Crespo is considering a switch to Celtic after being given the cold shoulder from the not so special one for the 2nd time in his career. We are nowhere near the transfer window opening and all ready the 'Bullshitometer' has had an outing. It's as red as Jim Jeffries greeting face, which means never will happen.

Can you really see Hernan taking a £100,000 per week wage cut to be a sub? Is this another Sharp Suited Man 'Moonbeam' to be filed under Pavyulchenko, Razen Rat and Darren Bent.  

One that hasn't got the 'bullshitometer' turning as red is this rumour regarding Dominic Cervi an American keeper who based himself on Sly Stallone in the famous fitba film "Escape To Victory" a game, which much like The Huns ECWC Final in 1972 never got finished due to a pitch invasion.

Anyway, oor man in the USA, Rudyflyer, has posted a scary picture and some background on this 'Soccer Jock'. One things for sure...he is uglier than Mark Brown!!!! What this means for Mark Brown remains to be answered.

But enough of rumours and ugly goalies. The Celtic 2nd XI beat The Thugish Reserve Huns 3-1 yesterday despite an increase in reported assults in the Airdrie area yesterday afternoon. Celtic had one player carried off after 1 minute and Joe Doumbe decided that he had, had enough after 44 minutes. Sounds like Koki Mizuno, Ben Hutchinson and Paddy McCourt came in for some hefty treatment, which proves that thugishness is inbreed when it comes to Huns.

Nice to hear, that skill won over brawn.

That's it. Midweek LoTW is over. It was free and no I won't post Nacho Ratboy's address and phone number but thanks for the e-mithers and the texts anyway. So, Friday will see a preview of the visit of The Sheep and hopefully a chance to laugh at Tango and Sash.

Forza. 

So, here is to the Monday edition to LoTW. Cheers, to all who read this for longer than the average 17 seconds, before pressing the back button, which returns them to something more interesting. Maybe we should try writing something interesting before the 17 seconds is up.....

Anyway, it's always a happy Monday when we go to Kilmarnock and win. We have not been beaten there since May 2001 and seeing Jim Jeffries and Billy Browns greeting faces as they watch their team fail to beat and compete wie The Hoops makes the fact they Kilmarnock never lgot relegated last season all worthwhile.

Celtic, got over their Big Cup exit, wie a 3-1 victory wie goals from Shaun Maloney and Georgios Samaras, who got his 2nd awayday double in a week, and the game saw 3 pens awarded, a sending off and a goal of the season contender.

Big Sammy, Scotlands top goalscorer, produced another MOTM display and showed Man Citeeh what they are missing. In the past few weeks Sammy has shown the folly of them selling him and buying some Brazilian from Real Madrid. Serves them right for becoming the richest club in the world.

Celtic, continued their impressive away form, which is stark contrast to oor functional, pragmatic and poor home displays but still no Celtic game is complete wieoot a missed penalty and a bit of scandal.

Shaun Maloney decided that he would try and hit someone in the stand, who was threatening to sing a 'banned' song, wie his effort from 12 yards. So, when we were awarded a dubious 2nd pen- oor manager says it was a pen and highlights the scud Shunsuke Nakamura received in the aftermath but Alan Coombe say's Nakamura dived and I really think we should believe him as he says there was 5000 Kilmarnock fans there, so he tells the truth- Sammy did the honours wie a not to clever dispatch into the net.

That's not the whole story though. Aiden McGeady, who was benched again, had placed the ball on the spot only to be told that Sammy was to take the kick. In a week where rumours were rife that oor manager and Aiden had fallen out then there is maybe more getting read into this than there was actually behind it. Was Stephen McManus acting on his managers orders or did he just think Sammy had a better chance to score it?

Anyway, Aiden and oor manager have denied that there is a problem but oor managers actions do seem to suggest something different. If that is the case then how long Scotland's Player and Young Player of The Year will be happy at playing 2nd fiddle to the winner of Aston Villa's biggest arse award 2007/2008 remains to be seen.

So....the tinkerman tinkered and promises to tinker as often as a 14 year old wie a copy of Razzle. He brought back in Marc Crosas, Jan Vennegor and Mark Wilson. Out went Barry Robson, injured, Andy Hinkel, who was paying the price for being uninteresting and and Scott McDonald who was paying the price for pies.

All in the changes worked wie all performing well and the only blot on the performance was the loss of the goal and Gary Caldwell getting sent of for an act of stupidity when 3-0 up, 2 mins left and him in the best form of his career. Suspension will give Glenn Loovens his chance against Livingston and Aberdeen this week.

The manager was pleased but said that.....“I thought he [Samaras] was terrific, if lackadaisical at times, like we were as a team. We really need to get our passing spot on and we’ll be a very good team.”....which is a fair shout as the other night proved when we are poor, we are poor and in the games against Motherwell, Kilmarnock and Aalborg BK we have seen somethings that need sorted.

The managers only constants in this spell have been the performances of Caldwell, Sammy and Maloney. We may have found a player in Marc Crosas but his tinkering is bound to be the source of some amusment in up-coming blogs.

So, there was a press conference today regarding tomorrows Diddy Cup game at home to in-form Livingston. Nothing eye-catching came out the press-conference as our manager didn't announce that he was going to play a load of fringe players and youngsters, which he should take the opperchancity to do. The squad was annouced and it was indicated that changes will be made.

Loovens will start and maybe Skippy and Aiden will get 90mins under their belts. Paul Caddis may come in for some needed game time and could Darren O'Dea get a runout? I'm sure the other 14,999 that bother to turn up wie me will be excited at the thought of this. I wonder if we will see Massimo?

Anyway, I'm reminded of nights when we we beat high flying Falkirk 8-1 and beat low flying Partick on pens. Under GS, in the Diddy Cup, we have suffered poor defeats at home to Falkirk and Hearts. Livingston have never beaten Celtic. First ever meeting ended in a 0-0 draw then they have had 17 defeats. Tomorrow night maybe their best chance of changing this record.

They are 17 to 1 wie some bookies could be worth a punt if yer skint and the malaise that we have suffered at home in the Diddy Cup continues.

That's it. Hail Hails are open for the inane pish that gets posted. Lets hope we are celebrating a victory tomorrow night.

Oh Aah Samaras.

Forza 

'Oh Ah Samaras'

The cliche of 'a game of two halves' rung true at Fir Park yesterday. The first half we produced a performance, which was up there wie anything I have seen from Celtic and had oor manager saying 'I told youse' and that it was the best for a long period. 4 goals in the first half and the 4th being one of the best goals you will see in the SPL all season.

The 'bouncebackability' of the bhoys was a joy while the 'letingoalseasilyability' was like getting your balls grated.

Some might say that was the best under Strachan. I disagree as I reckon we have played better for longer spells in the games under him but the first 55mins was the best we have played this season and the managers statement that we have been involved in entertaining games is laughable. I mean, does he call losing 4 goals at home against The Huns entertaining or beating St Mirren, wie a dodgy penalty, in a game that is filed under crimes against fitba'?

Also the two goals we lost showed all that is wrong wie Strachans Celtic. Only Celtic can turn an excellent performance into one that leaves you feeling empty, puzzled and Boomsunging yourself that there is half an hour left and you are only 2 goals up.

That's what stop it being a 10 out of 10 performance.

So, Artur Boruc was back to his usual self. Stopped Motherwell getting a third wie a great save in the second half but if only his kicking was as accurate as Neil Lennons attackers in Ashton Lane. The CB's, started well and faded wie them being at fault for Motherwells 2 goals.

I had to laugh at Mick and Robson having a barney after the 2nd goal- Robson pointed out Mick was at fault- and also Mick telling Marc Crosas to stop this two touch passing the ball, forward and quickly in the middle of the park. Lee Naylor and Mark Wilson proved the benefit of playing players on the correct side but, like Heid and Hoof, faded in the 2nd  period when the auld Naylor returned and Wilson looked of the pace. 

In the midfield, Marc Crosas made a Massimo Donati type bow wie an impressive performance of touch, vision and creativity that we have lacked for weeks. Surely now, the stage of the Big Cup awaits and a start against AaB is a MUST. It was as close as a MOTM performance you could have seen but Georgios Samaras takes that plaudit.

The big man was like his lookalike Eli Dingle being left in to rob a building site after the security guards left him to it. It was so simple for him to rampage through the Motherwell defence. Still, if he had played the correct final ball we could have been 8-0 up at half time. Still, Scotlands top goal scorer will get the chance to score his 1st Big Cup goal on Wednesday. Is he now undroppable.

Scott Brown, started on the right handside and had a decent game still makes poor decisions at times but he seemed to enjoy the wide role, Barry Robson kept up his impressive vain of form, maybe proving his Indian Summer is continuing and him and Brown dug in well when we were falling apart.

Shaun Maloney, played well, scored but like the rest of the team faded as his eyes were distracted by the thought that instead of playing in the UEFA Vase this season he will make his bow in the Big Cup. Up front Scott McDonald put in a shift but faded in the last half hour. He scored a great goal but should have been subbed for the ineffectual Cillian Sheridan a lot sooner.

The other sub used was Shunsuke Nakamura who says that he might go back to Japan in January. Nice to see this making the back pages instead of oor Brazil 1970 performance. So will he go? Not if we are still in the Big Cup LoTW reckons, but why doesn't he just give up the International games to save on this traveling? Surely we can make him mair Scottish by getting him to eat deep fried Mars Bars and drinking Irn Bru?

The loss of Naka might not be so great as yesterday we saw a Celtic team play as well as we have ever done under the present manager wieoot oor, supposed, most 2 creative players wie both Aiden McGeady and Naka being 'rested' and oor big named centre forward, Jan Vennegoor of Hesslelink being suspended.

The manager made a bold decision by making 4 changes from the team that got humped by The Huns and now has gave himself a selection headache for Wednesday night. Not the kind of headache LoTW gets after 10 pints right enough....

'The Chammmmpeeeeeions.......Pah, Pah, Pah Paaaaaaaaaaaaa'

Sounds great eh? Bring on AaB.....

Forza

LoTW has decided that's it time for this brother to sort it out. I'll start by 'sorting out' Michael Higdon who has decided that asking the MIB for a 'square go' is how to go about sorting his teams failings. He then admits that he tried to get himself booked to prove a point and that the MIB 'bottled' this decision as well.

I wonder if Mr Higdon would have thrown his rattle ,if he had one, and has ever considered engaging his brain before opening his mouth.

Next up is Celtic legend John 'Yogi' Hughes, who scored with a header at Ibrox, saying that he may quit due to the sad state of MIB's in the SPL. He fancies the bright lights of The Championship, 6th richest league in the world, and that he has outgrown the 2 stand town, which is Falkirk.

Both the above bawbags have done a great job in deflecting attention away from their teams poor form. Was the MIB on Saturday responsible for them losing the 2 games before then? Was the MIB responsible for missing a penalty in their first game, thus causing them to drop 2 points (think Mr Higdon had a lot to do with that) and does Mr Hughes think that the Chesterfields and Southends of this world won't notice that he has lead Falkirk to 3 defeats on the trot and signed Sunday League Leg-ends like Michael Higdon.

They have also stirred up a hornets nest. Commentaters have been sticking their unwelcome noses in and trying to get a story where there isn't one. The fact of the matter is the MIB's are terrible and have been for years.

But.....LoTW wonders where guys like Crocker were when Jan Vennegor didn't get a penalty last season at Aberdeen, when Scott McDonald got a decent goal chopped of in our 3-2 defeat at Inverness, when Jan Vennegor was up ended at Love Street, when two dubious penalties were awarded for ICT and Hearts last season causing us to drop 5 points, when Kirk Broadfoot stayed on the park after beasting Scott McDonald in the 3-2 victory over The Huns and ,last but not least, when Mike McCurry invented the 'Offside Own goal' at Ibrox last season.

Yes, LoTW agrees we have had the benefit this season so far. But don't all these things even themselves out, so by my reckoning we have 118 years worth of evening out to go.

LoTW wishes also to sort out the PLC board. With the 'Transfer Window' being extended, for a whole 24 hours (hurrah) I would expect the 'Shitofilter' to be doing overtime. It's not. A cut price deal the lesser spotted Riordon for him to complete a "sensational return" to relegation haunted Hibs is all that is happening.

LoTW is non-plussed at this news. Could have been great but it wasn't. Still think his leaving is not the player we need to be shifted. Bobo Balde is the problem. LoTW thinks if Bobo says "No, No, No" to anymore Championship fodder then our chances of seeing a Nike Friday or a Championship LB are as likely as the Lesser Spotted Riordon being served in any Edinburgh Nightclubs. 

Can we maybe expect Bobo to get paid off and then a short term loan deal for a LB? I will say again if we go into the CL with a right footed player at LB then it's a sacking offence for all of the coaches, scouts, tea women and Hoopy The Huddle hounds.

We also go the news today that Celtic's successful Olympian Chris Killen was hoping for and all of Timdom wasn't. Scott McDonald is out of the Glesga Derby and Jan Vennegoor is rated as 50/50. McDonald got injured bouncing for the Socceroos in one of those useless International games that bug LoTW happiness every now and then.

The injuries did lead to us producing our best performance of the season right enough but doubts remain over the ability of Georgios Samaras, no matter what the long haired lover from Athens boasts.

True, as he says, strikers require goals and he seems to be confident but whether he is good enough to be a starter ahead of Jan Vennegoor is still to be proved. I sometimes think Samaras wanders about allowing games to pass him by but he can't allow that to happen on Sunday. We may need Gallus George not Curious George.

The same article has Neil Lennon joining the mass ranks of the LoTW driven 'I want to have Shaun Maloney's Babies' fan club. He mused

"I think Shaun can play with most players because he is really intelligent. It is the typical big man/little man partnership, and Sami responded very well. Shaun has played with a lot of good players over the years, and he can play anywhere across the front line."

Added to that, Lenny's former partner in crime, Paul Lambert fanned the flames that have engulfed the talent of wee short arse since his cameo winning debut after returning from a failed spell at a mid table EPL club.

With Shaun also being seen as the saviour of George Burley's, already, ill fated reign as Scotland Coach. The pressure on the wee man is incredible and a lot of it for me comes from the boards lack of activity on the transfer front. A player that some don't see as a first choice has all of a sudden become the 'man' that will turn us from Scotland 1978 into Brazil 1982.

Anyway, there is something else happening this week, that doesn't relate or impact on The Huns. Yes, The Champions League draw this Friday, 5pm for all non-Huns, has got Nakamuras sushi juices flowing.

He quite rightly states that he doesn't want AC Milan or Benfica as we are fed up playing them. Having a look at the pots, the perfect hot and cold balls draw would be Lyon, PSV and Cluj. But...I have a feeling we are due an English team and that team will be Arsenal along with Roma and Fenerbache.

To finish with this article from The Times, which asks whether Shunsuke Nakamura is a genius or over-rated. LoTW says genius.

Forza

Update: Why has this Madlung story appeared?, Steven Fletcher? and why is our manager watching Hartlepool v WBA this evening?

Thanks to Number 7 from KDS for the photo.

 "Salt and Sauce Lad....."

Lhads....

Lets all shout.....Vitor Baia, Ferreira, Nuno Valente, Jorge Costa, Pedro Emanuel, Ricardo Carvalho, Costinha, Ricardo Costa, Alenichev, Maniche, Deco, Capucho (ha,ha, fucking ha), Marco Ferreira, Derlei and last but not least Jose The Not So Special One Bawbagface.....

Your boys took one hell of a beating!!!!!!

LOTW has decided that some pre-season games are worth celebrating victories in and beating Porto (cheating scum) on what was billed as a 'party' on their on patch is worth cracking open a can and feeling well chuffed.

Here is the highlights but I'm sure Celtic will bring out a DVD of this famous win in the near future. Only Rapid Vienna to go in the 'revenge' stakes.

Ok, we got a bit of a run a round in the 1st Half. As the highllights prove we, were sliced apart as easy a donar kebab but Artur 'The Holy Goalie' Boruc proved his weight in kebab meat. In the second half we played better, switched to a 442 and got a goal worthy to win any game.

Our problems were caused by giving the ball away cheaply and again reminded us that in Europe keeping the ball leads to sucess. Giving it away leads you not to win an away game in Europe for numerous years.

Quite what to make of our qualification for the last 16 in the Champions League with these glaring faults is a puzzle that has Columbo itching perversely in his duffel coat. Even our own players are bemused...Big Jan Vennegor Of Hesslelink says....

"We'll need more signings to strengthen for Europe and the title challenge. Fresh blood creates competition and gives you a better chance of progressing. Getting to the last 16 two years in a row is a great achievement. Now we hope to go even further."

On the evidence supplied, LOTW reckons that we need to improve away from home to ensure we can progress. The game against Porto showed us what we can do when we are organised and don't treat pre-season games as 'bounce' and it also saw the so-called unveiling of the 'Strachanaccio'.

Georgios Samaras got into the inner beast of the 'Strachanaccio' 4-5-1 system. He pleaded he was the man for the joab...

"We're used to playing 4-4-2, attacking and making goals. Sometimes you need to do that or we could play with one up front but it's up to the gaffer to make that decision. I just wait to hear how he wants me to play and then I go out to do my job."

We played the 'Strachanaccio' in Europe last year to great unsuccess. Four games, four defeats. We played two up front against Spartak and got a draw. When the 'new black' one up front system was employed we lost every game 1-0.

If we are going to play this system we need the players to play it. LOTW doesn't think that we have the players to play it. Played badly, this system ends up the 'Wattienaccio' as done to great plaudits by R*ngers on the way to The UEFA Vase final last year.

Paul Hartley, last season, played EVERY game in Europe. He said at the weekend...

"The middle of the park is our strongest area so all I can do is try and impress."

.....and impress the bearded man does. Major reason we won the league and if you look back at all our decent performances last season HE played. LOTW also believes he will bring the best out of Scott Brown. Only if Scott Brown plays in a central area with him.

His energy and fight in the central area is needed. LOTW doffs his cap at him having a go at Porto's Uruguayan hatchetman Jorge Fucile over the Porto player claiming that "salt and sauce is fer poofs".

LOTW is completely unsure though about GS playing him on the left handside of midfield in these pre-season games. Eh, Barry Robson boss?

The 'Strachanaccio' could still require room for one more. Massimo Donati star is fading faster than Gordon Browns hopes of winning the next election and LOTW believes that Massimo mis-firing like an auld Ford Cortina could be the reason Evander Sno turned down a move to Spain.

That or the FACT he can wait to the turn of the year and make more money by signing a pre-contract with his Spanish suitors.

But...all you Evander Sno haters remember the Camp Nou when he replaced Massimo Donati? We could be punting, LOTW thinks we are punting, a future Netherland Internationalist who could turn out to be our version of Guttuso. All because of a couple of poor games....

So, LOTW sings "It could be Rotterdam or anywhere, Liverpool or Rome" but it's Rotterdam we were right first time. First game is against Harry Hotspurs big spending but big selling Tottenham Hotspur. A game which Robbie Keane won't get to score against his "second" favourite boyhood team and once again he won't score his first goal for his "second" favourite boyhood team.

But....a call to arms. As you can see OleOle is a bit like a surburb of North London and a hefty defeat could make LOTW a bit of a sore place to be by 7.30BST on Friday night. So lets try and get a a few of us on the comments while the game is happening and also afterwards.

Sure we will get some 'visitors' over the next few days so lets make them welcome. Baseball bats, coshes, sweaty socks wie snooker balls in them and chair legs are available at the door...

Forza 

Well, that's the annual LOTW sunshine break over for another year and what has LOTW learned this year? That drinking Buckfast and Sangria causes you tae lose two days and that going 'commando' gies yer gonads as much freedom as Andy Hinkel gies right handsided midfielders in pre-season games.

Talking of pre-season games, Gary Caldwell - rent a quote as some call him- proclaimed yesterday "....Celtic don't dae friendlies, there is pressure here awe the time" pity someone didnae tell the players and the planners of Celtic's pre-season games.

A win against Southampton, an expected defeat against Fulham (2 games in less than 24 hours after a few weeks of solid running was bawbaggery of the highest order) and then a draw against 'Boro (there goal) (oor goal) - notice Aliadiere's GIRUY celebration, this from a guy who was deemed no better than Craig Beattie!!!- means that normal pre-season humdrum under GS has been resumed.

I said in an earlier blog that these games are just training sessions and mean nothing to the players, so it was wie great humour I read 'View From 412' which saved me the trouble of looking of wasting mair Euro drinking tokens reading Celticcybertimdom. Predictable reactions from the Cyber hardmen so I huvnae even bothered this morning wie 'Newsnow' or ma usual trawl through the web to gauge reaction of last nights game, which I didnae see but I will watch today at some point.

I don't expect to see much in the 90 mins. In fact, I will probably not watch the whole game.

But....I want to see us ramp it up over the next few weeks. We play Cardiff on Thursday night, game that I will be gieing live updates of on the blog comment sections, so if ye dinny have Setanta Tv come in tune in drop oot. I'm sure the game will be that pesh you might get a commo on Holby City, Big Brother or a solution tae war in the Middle East.

Anyway, back to Gary Caldwell. Yesterday, I was walking doon to the beach for ma early morning can o' 'Pear Cider' (to clear ma heid), when I noticed a guy reading the Daily Ragger and on the backpage was the headline "Make me a Celt for life'.

I couldnae see the picture that went wie the headline but right away I was thinking it was Arfur Boruc.....so ye can imagin' ma disappointment when I bought the paper instead of the can of cider...LOTW in no way takes responsibility for the international incident caused by ma language when finding this oot.

But, The Caldwell getting a new contract widnae bother me like it might (and will) bother some. He stood up to the plate towards the end of last season and showed that the abuse he got didnae bother him as he is arrogant or a confident sod.

Wie the Gabriel Tamas situation now reaching an impass on the 125th day of talks, when him asking for 2 rupes and a Tesco club card caused the SSM to storm oot the room, means that at the moment Caldwell is a stick-on starter. Even when we sign/ if we sign Tamas, Caldwell should still be a stick on starter says LOTW. 

So...as predicted by LOTW, Georgios Samaras signed. Sammy reprogrammed his 'TomTom' which was set on a course to Hull and couldnae hide his delight when he shouted "“This was always my first choice. I wanted to stay at Celtic and my door was closed to other clubs who showed an interest"

Yes, and Sammy suddenly became oor 1st choice when the SSM played Man City- whose bid for Ronaldinho has to be laughed at- like Nigel Kennedy playing a fiddle and got the Cain Dingle lookalike (much to the delight of Mrs LOTW) for just over £1m plus extras if he plays often...which he might do as he has looked ok in pre-season.

LOTW ponders can he become a starter rather than an impact player? I still sudder at how bad he wis against St Mirren and Aberdeen last season while also wonder at the ball he pit across for JVOH for his goal in the Scottish Cup tie at Aberdeen.

There is a stat that says he scored mair goals per minutes on the park than Skippy and JVOH. I canny be arsed finding it.

Over in Benchville, New Zealand, some bloke called Chris Killen claims he plays for Celtic and that he is going to the Olympics. He claims "But I still see a future for myself at Celtic. If I'd gone to the World Cup and had a good tournament people would have recognised that and it would have boosted me at club level. That's what I'm hoping comes out of my trip to China."

LOTW, I'm sure, talks for the majority when he spits 'bothered?' 

While LOTW was on it's holibags Celtic released a groundbreaking green and white hooped kit. Paul Hartley said "I wisnny expecting this....."

But, why do we want to look like Sporting Lisbon?

Forza

 'Ssssssh, is that the SSM on the phone'

LOTW is getting into holiday mode. Packing his trunks (George Asda price), 3/4 length shorts (Primark) and numerous Celtic tops, which will be worn no matter where I am. Beach, bar or nightclub I will have the Hoops on.

I have washed ma shell suit (Celtic of course) for the airport fashion parade. It will go lovely wie ma new gold away top and new Nike Airs. Mrs LOTW has got a new pair of 'Donny' trainers and a lovely pair of Adidas trackie bottoms fae Sports Soccer.

Ma only worry is that those backage handlers watch ma case as it's fu' off bootleg Buckie for me to swally when getting roasted by the pool and that the longer the this transfer windae goes on the more we are seeing oor sights getting lower and lower and oor signings will reach bargin bin loan signing level.

I suppose how worried you are aboot the 'lack of activity' depends on the camp you are in.

If you are in the we were terrible last season camp, The Huns were a baw hair away fae havin' their maist successful season fur ages camp, it was only circumstances- a view that was banded aboot on Radio Clyde last night, Mr Spiers said that oor league win was just the outcome of a number of situations- that caused The Huns to implode camp and they have signed well in the summer while we huvnae improved camp then you will be you will have F5 syndrome and a Newsnow addiction.

If you are in we only had two major blips- December and March- camp, we deserved to win the league as winning the last 7 games proved camp, we knew The Huns would implode as they were shit camp and we have the best squad in the league and we should only sign players that will improve and not benchfillers camp then you will be calm.

LOTW is in the 2nd camp. Last season I predicted that The Huns would implode every week fae the Glesga Fair weekend. Granted, it took a bit longer than expected but it happened. I've also sussed the SSM game in this windae. He is telling the medjia he haw and the medjia know he haw and are making things up.

This week has been the first week of quotes from players, agents and lackies that are movers and shakers. The name maist talked aboot is Gabriel Tamas.

A nomadic Romanian CB that is 6 clubs in despite him only being 24 years. Decent pedigree, played all games in the Euros and smells a massive pay day saying "I would like to go to Celtic and it is better than a 50 per cent chance that I will if the offer is made. I remember being at the stadium a few years ago and I could not believe the atmosphere and the noise and passion of the fans."

His manager- smelling Euros as well- went from saying this "If Gabriel wants to leave he can go." to this " 'But I do have a say on what happens with the players I have in my squad and right now Gabriel is one of them. He has three years left on his contract and unless a club pays the sort of money that the president wants then he will be our player."

The club and manager smell profit. They bought him for £1m and are looking for upwards of £3m to £4m profit. They are taking the risk by unsettling -a player whose agents and him have made it clear he wants to join us- and hoping that Celtic will pay up.

LOTW, fully expects this horse trading to go on for a few weeks. By that time we will probably have signed Russell Anderson or Lee Wilkie.

So onto Maloneywatch. One day the reports state he is going nowhere  then Saint Martin Of O'Neill refuses to rule nuthin' oot. He say's that "The first mention of that came from Scotland. That's not to say Celtic wouldn't want Shaun Maloney back." and then adds "Maloney has been linked with Celtic every single day since he signed. I'll not dismiss anything, because the last thing I want to is say no' and it to come back and haunt me."

So, Saint Martin is blaming Celtic for these stories and is rightly annoyed that some think he rates Lee 'The Weasel' Naylor enough to swap him plus a set of trackies for the biggest arsed winger this side of the M6.

Thing is, Saint Martin handling of the Gareth Barry transfer and also his tapping up of Stan Petrov a few seasons back mean that he kisses the Blarney Stone mair often than a drunk lepricorn.

Over in Lens Nadir Belhadj is touting himself like a Leith tart. He says 'I want to play top-flight football so I have to leave.'That will only happen if someone meets the asking price of four million euros for me and I'd love it if I got the chance to go to Scotland.' The ex-Lyon player, who sat on the bench at Ipox for Lyon's fantastic 3-0 victory in December, is going for a Georgios Samaras.

Sammy is oor get oot of jail caird. He is the alright looking burd who fancies you rotten but you are trying to pull the rich prefect burds who only go oot wie aulder guys who drive souped up Corsas. Since Sammy has had a taste of CP and his only other options seem to be Stoke and Hull then I think he will be sitting on a beach wailing ‘I still don’t know what will hap