I would not usually be up for giving the opening blog gambit to a Huns goal. Whitesnake, Def Leppard, yes, but LoTW, today is breaking from the Status Quo.

So, yesterday, as Wallie Nosurnames Army were still showing signs of an European hangover, which has plagued them since August, by losing another domestic away game, at least Europa Golden Boot Contender, Kris Boydchenko, showed that he could still entertain the masses in times of trouble.

After claiming credit for the own goal, Kris showed that he is in training for the 2012 Olympics wie a 'Roly Poly' dive, which induced an earthquake in Korea due to Boydchenkos Monster Munch enhanced frame crashing onto the turf.

If, them getting beat wisnny funny enough, we should gie Boydchenko a big, HURRAH, for his encore. It's almost as funny as Roy Keanes beard. Almost.

A Snooze To 12 In A Row

Celtic, showed what Europa willnae be missing after Christmas, wie a performance that was mair Celtic December 2007 than Brazil 1970, wie a 1-0 victory over The 'Senkie wie a goal fae Shaun Maloney after 29 mins. For those that are avid 'Celtic Watchers" the worry that we are returning to the form, or the lack off form, that saw Decemeber 2007 a month to forget, is something to suck on like a week old, Worthers Original that has been stuck to yer couch.

We have to hope that the teams we face are mair open than The 'Senkie were yesterday. Their was mair chance of Prince Harry coming oot as a cross dressing sheep worrier than The 'Senkie coming oot to attack. Still, after a 5-0 drubbing they received at Ipox, then that's their bag if they want to try and find a cure for insomnia wie their tactics.

Still, we were off form. Oor manager said: “The longer the game went on, the crowd get more nervous and the player’s seemed to get a bit nervous as well and the technical ability went down the longer the went on. It wasn’t brilliant to start with but obviously it went further down, so that was a problem. Another problem was giving the ball away in good positions and sometimes in areas where you thought was very safe." I'm willing to put money on this slackness in oor play was due the lack of threat posed fae The 'Senkie and a bout of illness caused by dodgy Danish bacon.

The game was won wie oor 2 most creative players, who both had games to forget, another game to forget for Shaun Maloney and he is racking up a few of them, combined to score. GS said: “We scored a smashing goal with a real good pass, that was his best pass (Nakamura) – it was a lovely pass- and to get the ball up and down with not too much pace on it and allow Shaun [Maloney] to make his run which he knew the only person that could play that pass was Nakamura, so if was coming from any other player I don’t think Shaun would have made that run."

Apart from the worry that oor last 3 domestic performances have been lacking the flair, a bit like the current fashion for tight fit jeans, shown earlier in the season but this could just be due to injuries and heavy legs catching up wie us.

But we can't really complain, as oor manager lays the truth cards on the table saying: "This run shows that we can deal with disappointment and injuries and win when we are not at our best. Also, in this run, we've had Champions League games, League Cup games and six players away with international teams a lot of times. So the players have had a lot to deal with recently." So, we have done not too badly then, Gordon?

Tims In Shorts

Like this blog, Artur Boruc has no friends. "I don't think that it's a good idea to make friends with people in football. There is no deep relationship between football players," said Artur. While the meeja like to peddle the myth that "the team that drinks together, wins together" bottomline is how many people actually socialise wie their workmates?

Anyway oor manager is not to bothered: "What he is saying that he doesn't mingle with the lads after training and I can understand that. By the looks of it, he has far better people to mingle with than some of the lads that are here (like big blondes who buy pints and snog him) and so I can understand why he wants to down the tools and get out of here as quickly as possible."

LoTW disnny socialise wie his workmates either. This is not his choice but it has mair to do wie his messy lunch habits and lack of hygiene.

Rumour O'Filter

In the Hail Hails the other evening, I mentioned Niall McGinn who plays for Celtic's Irish Feeder Club, Derry City. The 21 Norn Iron internationalist, he won't be  if he signs for us, said of being entered on the Transfer Database by John Park: "Celtic are obviously a big club and it is a great honour to discover that they are looking at me," he said. "It would be a great move. I was a M*nchester U*ited fan as a boy but Celtic were my Scottish team, so it is obviously something I would consider."

It is really nice to see that we are looking at the far flung markets of Europe. Wie the SSM saying: "We are looking at both quality and quantity. We have a track record of getting to a transfer window and coming out of it stronger." we are hoping that Celtic will notice Ryan Air do cheap flights to Poland and Sweden, not just Belfast and Dublin. 

Cauld day here. So it's time to get a nice wee drink of 7up and curl up in front of the fire and shout "Burchill and Moravcik".

Forza

Thanks to Number 7 fae KDS for the Paul Hartley Riverdance picture.

Yawn. Poor 2nd half, 'The Boys Of The Old Brigade' and Celtic fans wearing poppies were the main topics of conversation in Celticcybertimdom today. So I'm glad that The Guardian decided to publish a bit of comedy gold to stop me shaking my heid at my own today.

The sub headline say's it all for me. "With the return of Bawwy(8), Rangers have midfield strength Celtic can only dream about". It goes on to cream it's pants over the return of the most overrated player since Ian Durrant, and also one that husnae got a surname, pours petrol on the myth that is Scotland's Player Of The Year, Pedro Mendes and mentions Maurice Edu a player last seen playing hide and seek in an Austrian basement wie Andreas Velicka.

I'm sure the lackie that wrote this found great solace in the performance of Barry Robson, Paul Hartley, Scott Brown and Shaun Maloney against Hearts and never noticed that we were missing Aiden McGeady, Nakamura or hamstring-ouched Marc Crosas while pondering what he wrote.

Oh The Wee Huns Are Boomsung.

Hearts current incumbent and Bond Villian lookalike, Csaba Laszlo, who is not as hateable as other incumbents they have had, said before the game that it would take Heart Of Lithuiania 10 tiltles and a Big Cup win to be able to say they could compete wie Celtic. After the game that looked as likely as him being in a job by the end of the season.

Csaba did do us a favour. After Hearts went doon to 10 men- dodgy decision, Scott McDonald was ootside the box and offside so Paul Hartley taking pity and missing the resultant pen meant justice was done then evened up when Barry Robson was brought doon for a stonewaller later on, which was not given- he decided to make subs, which bordered on the laughable. This mean't that the 2nd half was played at snail pace as Celtic had their most comfortable afternoon at the Tynecastle Apartments for years.

Celtic, won 2-0 thanks to goals by Shaun Maloney, another goal of the season contender and a Gary Caldwell goal, which looked like it contained 2 handballs and a ball being out of play. Csaba said of the winning goal: " When I saw it again, it showed a hand being used but I'm not criticising the M.I.B, it was hard for him to see" unlike the media who are lynching the M.I.B for this decision.

The manager went for power and brought in the warhorses of Barry Robson and Paul Hartley who proved once again when it becomes a battle these SPL boilersuit wearers are the ones to be wheeled oot. Upfront, Scott McDonald was paired wie Craig Beattiealike Cillian Sheridan who ran around and eh, ran around.

Still, the stats don't back up the comfortable view of this victory. Celtic had their worst shot on target total since we last dared to play in the Big Cup wie 3. We were Lee Naylor off like wie 5 shots off goal and oor possession was a low 52.3%. Suppose this backs up the FACT the game was won by 49mins when Hearts went doon to 10.

Talking point of the day? The Wee Huns banner that said "Big Jock Beasted Hoopy" and was signed "F.T.P". Bob Malcolm is in the frame for this. Also, the questionable, in some quarters, singing that followed the removal of this banner by the vocal away support. The anti-rebel and pro-rebel brigades are on the warpath again. Wonder if Celtic or the SPL will say anything regarding this incident, which will take the focus away from a disgusting banner.

I hope the day Hearts cease to be is quite soon.  

Who The Fuck Are Man Utd?

"They are the best team in the world, they are far better than Italy or France", said oor manager showing disregard  for football's rules. Also, France are quite gash at the mo. More worryingly he rejoiced when talking aboot oor visit to Trafford Ball Park: "West Brom lost 4, Hull lost 4 and West Ham should have been 7 down by half time, so we are in good company".

I would rather be in better company than those relegation haunted vessels.

As usual the mythical home record of played 18, W12, D4 and L2 gets trotted oot and commented on from such no-mark rent-a-quote-money-grabbers like Lou Macari. He says: "Just as in the case of Celtic's poor away form in Europe, their home record is there for all to see" and just proving he knows he haw aboot the Celtic support on Big Cup nights: "If Celtic are playing against a team they are expected to beat and they struggle a bit, the fans get tetchy, but against Man Utd the fans will cheer them on all night" yes, until we lose the ball or don't hump it forward every 5 seconds.

Trying to look on the positive side on things, unlike the last time when oor manager decided to run up the whiteflag before a ball was kicked, he says regarding oor 29mins on competing at the Trafford Ballpark: "Everyone in the United camp said that it wasn't easy for them, it was hard work. They couldn't find a way through and Artur didn't have a shot at him"

We need to compete. A draw is a great result and could be required if Aalborg BK decide that they fancy their chances against Villarreal. A point could be vital if the race for the UEFA Vase spot. We can't let oor heids go doon if we go a goal behind we have got to make a game of it. Barry Robson nails it when he says: "We need to make sure we do get in their faces when we come out the traps and try and use our ability to the best we can to cause an upset"

Get them doon to oor level and see if they fancy it. Robson, Hartley and Brown will get dusted doon for this and the manager maybe feeling Shaun Maloney will be better alongside him on the bench for this one. Aiden and Naka will expect to play and Scott McDonald is a shoo in for a 1 up front role.

Nae respect, nae pack drill.

Oor task is huge. We don't create chances in the Big Cup. We are the only team not to score in this seasons competition, a stat that is Hun like, and Famagusta, Roma, Aalborg BK, Kiev and Bate, have equal or less than oor 8 shots on goal stat. Man Utd have yet to concede a goal in the Big Cup this season.

Set plays again anyone? We have scored from corners in oor last 3 outings. Stats show we willnae get many chances we require Naka to be on form and whip in dangerous set plays. Oor record at El Paradiso against English teams is decent. W4, D2 and L1 wie the loss coming to Notts Forest. Team USA United have only been beaten once on Scottish soil.

It's the hope that kills you but I fancy we will compete and sneak a 1-1 draw. Barry Robson will get on the end of a set play as he seems to score in big games.

Rumour O'Filter

The SSM, Peter Lawell came oot and said "We are in the business of winning championships, not cashing in on players. That means Nakamura is staying with us". He mumbled something aboot buying in January as well.

Gordon Strachan was heard to laugh at the thought of us signing a left-back, when 34yo Sylvinho was mentioned to him. Get a grip was his reaction.

Big week. I canny handle anymair south of the border gloating or the London Mancs being smug gits on Wednesday night. Let's get stuck in. Leave a Hail Hail (c'mon I know you want to), if you want to leave me a message my profile page is here and the Celtic hame page is here.

Forza

"The Chaaammmmppppions.....pa, pa, pa pah!!!!!!"

Ok, the only show in town was in Monaco this week as the Champions League  draw was made in it's usual OTT stylee and we found out who would be pumping us away from home and getting a beating at Celtic Park.

The Hoops were drawn against Manchester Utd, the Champions of Europe and the 2nd time we have played them in the CL and also the second year in a row we have faced the previous years winners. I'm sure the Greater Manchester Polis will be looking forward to welcoming another team from Glesga so soon. The club reacted like this to the draw while looking disinterested and one eye on the last 16 already.

Villarreal were our foes from Pot 2. We faced them in the UEFA Vase 2004, the night Saint Martin of O'Neills team got it's first nail in it's coffin, and they were impressive last season in La Liga finishing 10 points ahead of Barca. The have a South American flavour and it's a tough, tough opening game for us. Here is a squad list and also the clubs reaction at getting drawn against Celtic Glasgow. Again they were to busy eyeing up the knockout stages to really be arsed bothering about us or the Danes.

Lady luck seemed to shine on us as we draw Scotsman, Bolton legend and Arsenal leg-end, Bruce Riochs Aalborg who put out the mighty FC Kanus in qualifying from pot 4. Karma eh? Anyway, they won the Danish title last season but have started badly this year and probably beating the mighty Kanus can be put down to luck. Lotw knows feck all about them so here's a squad list, which has a very Danish feel and LoTW ponders surely we won't be playing in a stadium that holds only 10,500?

Can we qualify for the last 16 for the 3rd year in a row? Right now, it doesn't seem likely as the away day blues seem set to continue with trips to Old Trafford and El Madrigal looking as daunting as hike up Everest. Again, we will need to win all 3 home games to have any hope and that is also a tall ask. The UEFA Vase looks the best bet and that will satisfy those who feel we need to win the thing to get it right up the huns.

The manager gives his reaction and as usual we are playing top, top sides with top, top players.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock.........

That's the sound of the Mickey Mouse Clock, goes with our Mickey Mouse League, that hangs in LoTW's Hut where this wind and pish is typed. The clock is ticking down to the close of the transfer window and the time that the 'Shitofilter' gets put back in it's box and returned to the back of the cupboard.

If we are going to be playing top, top teams we need some more top, top players.

So what's tickling the 'Shitofilter' today? James Brown is making the filter go red. Hartlepools £3m rated striker, who signed a new deal with the 'Monkey Hangers' last weekend and who is more famous for getting Jeff Stelling to do this rather than his striking ability. New contract, big bucks to move him and the chance of Strachan getting hanged on the London Road rather than a monkey means the 'Shitofilter' is at red on this one.

The 'Shitofilter' vibrates at the thought of loan deals and probably so does the SSM and Hamburg. Timothy Atouba doesn't want to leave Hamburg, Hamburg want to sell him to either Us, Newcastle or Hull City. As he hasn't had his shots to get into Newcastle or Hull, us on loan has the 'Shitofilter' at amber but with 'The Shadow Of The Chief Executive Of Bobo Balde' casting a redish glow over it.

The 3rd and most unplausable rumour is £6m rated and Real Madrid target, who hasn't scored since before Easter, Steven Fletcher leaving Hibs in a cash plus Derek Riordon deal. The 'Shitofilter' is at red as us giving Hibs a shit load of cash for a promising youngster LoTW reckons went out the window with Scott Brown.

The chances of us signing anyone are getting less and less with The Chief Executive Of Bobo Balde refusing to move to Birmingham. The bigman is acting like a bawbag this transfer window and this could be the 4th or 5th time he has agreed terms with clubs only not to sign. His hard as a brickshit house performance in the last 10mins against Boavista in 2003 is fading quicker than our last 8 of the Champions League hopes.

George Burley also named his Scotland squad this week for the double header against Macedonia. LoTW notices that he has named 6 Celtic players in the squad, which is quite handy when he is looking for scapegoats after the two upcoming defeats and no goals. Scotsman, Aiden McGeady has been named in the ROI squad where he doesn't get booed in the games he plays.

But enough of this. The Huns rollover the river, with their songs about the famine being over and us going home- don't they know there is a credit crunch? have they seen the price of tatties?-, for their first defeat of the season on Sunday.

Both teams have the same records this season, W2 D1, but with Celtic having injuries to Jan Vennegoor and Scott McDonald and a scare story regarding Shaun Maloney we go into the game with more doubts and questions than we did last weekend after our Brazil 1982 performance against Falkirk.

Last season every game was won by the team that scored first. In the 3-2 game it was the first time The Huns had lost a derby game when they had got in front since 1992. Last season the Huns won 73.6% of games they scored first in. Celtic had a decent 68.4% record. Both teams have dropped points after scoring 1st this season so far.

History shows scoring first is important in these games. If Celtic score first the 'Wattienaccio' will have to come out for a spell in the game to try and get an equaliser. If they score first, then we may struggle to breakdown a deep defensive unit as well drilled, but lacking in ability, unit.

After Kanus, the goodwill factor that swept over CP has all but gone, Though The Huns have spent and gambled like a blindman playing poker, they have got new faces and a new hope. Us? All though having a better squad, the injuries and the fact that we seem to be penny piniching in adding quality to the squad gives this game a dangerous feel.

As Celtic Stats points out we have won 5 out of the last 6 games at Celtic Park. We have scored 12 goals and lost 4 in the process. We should be able to gloat at them going out of Europe and win this game.

So the bonkers bet, that 'youwidbestupidtofollow', is Celtic 2-0 with Shaun Maloney scoring the 1st goal. See LoTW doesn't think Maloney is injured.

Forza

LoTW has decided that's it time for this brother to sort it out. I'll start by 'sorting out' Michael Higdon who has decided that asking the MIB for a 'square go' is how to go about sorting his teams failings. He then admits that he tried to get himself booked to prove a point and that the MIB 'bottled' this decision as well.

I wonder if Mr Higdon would have thrown his rattle ,if he had one, and has ever considered engaging his brain before opening his mouth.

Next up is Celtic legend John 'Yogi' Hughes, who scored with a header at Ibrox, saying that he may quit due to the sad state of MIB's in the SPL. He fancies the bright lights of The Championship, 6th richest league in the world, and that he has outgrown the 2 stand town, which is Falkirk.

Both the above bawbags have done a great job in deflecting attention away from their teams poor form. Was the MIB on Saturday responsible for them losing the 2 games before then? Was the MIB responsible for missing a penalty in their first game, thus causing them to drop 2 points (think Mr Higdon had a lot to do with that) and does Mr Hughes think that the Chesterfields and Southends of this world won't notice that he has lead Falkirk to 3 defeats on the trot and signed Sunday League Leg-ends like Michael Higdon.

They have also stirred up a hornets nest. Commentaters have been sticking their unwelcome noses in and trying to get a story where there isn't one. The fact of the matter is the MIB's are terrible and have been for years.

But.....LoTW wonders where guys like Crocker were when Jan Vennegor didn't get a penalty last season at Aberdeen, when Scott McDonald got a decent goal chopped of in our 3-2 defeat at Inverness, when Jan Vennegor was up ended at Love Street, when two dubious penalties were awarded for ICT and Hearts last season causing us to drop 5 points, when Kirk Broadfoot stayed on the park after beasting Scott McDonald in the 3-2 victory over The Huns and ,last but not least, when Mike McCurry invented the 'Offside Own goal' at Ibrox last season.

Yes, LoTW agrees we have had the benefit this season so far. But don't all these things even themselves out, so by my reckoning we have 118 years worth of evening out to go.

LoTW wishes also to sort out the PLC board. With the 'Transfer Window' being extended, for a whole 24 hours (hurrah) I would expect the 'Shitofilter' to be doing overtime. It's not. A cut price deal the lesser spotted Riordon for him to complete a "sensational return" to relegation haunted Hibs is all that is happening.

LoTW is non-plussed at this news. Could have been great but it wasn't. Still think his leaving is not the player we need to be shifted. Bobo Balde is the problem. LoTW thinks if Bobo says "No, No, No" to anymore Championship fodder then our chances of seeing a Nike Friday or a Championship LB are as likely as the Lesser Spotted Riordon being served in any Edinburgh Nightclubs. 

Can we maybe expect Bobo to get paid off and then a short term loan deal for a LB? I will say again if we go into the CL with a right footed player at LB then it's a sacking offence for all of the coaches, scouts, tea women and Hoopy The Huddle hounds.

We also go the news today that Celtic's successful Olympian Chris Killen was hoping for and all of Timdom wasn't. Scott McDonald is out of the Glesga Derby and Jan Vennegoor is rated as 50/50. McDonald got injured bouncing for the Socceroos in one of those useless International games that bug LoTW happiness every now and then.

The injuries did lead to us producing our best performance of the season right enough but doubts remain over the ability of Georgios Samaras, no matter what the long haired lover from Athens boasts.

True, as he says, strikers require goals and he seems to be confident but whether he is good enough to be a starter ahead of Jan Vennegoor is still to be proved. I sometimes think Samaras wanders about allowing games to pass him by but he can't allow that to happen on Sunday. We may need Gallus George not Curious George.

The same article has Neil Lennon joining the mass ranks of the LoTW driven 'I want to have Shaun Maloney's Babies' fan club. He mused

"I think Shaun can play with most players because he is really intelligent. It is the typical big man/little man partnership, and Sami responded very well. Shaun has played with a lot of good players over the years, and he can play anywhere across the front line."

Added to that, Lenny's former partner in crime, Paul Lambert fanned the flames that have engulfed the talent of wee short arse since his cameo winning debut after returning from a failed spell at a mid table EPL club.

With Shaun also being seen as the saviour of George Burley's, already, ill fated reign as Scotland Coach. The pressure on the wee man is incredible and a lot of it for me comes from the boards lack of activity on the transfer front. A player that some don't see as a first choice has all of a sudden become the 'man' that will turn us from Scotland 1978 into Brazil 1982.

Anyway, there is something else happening this week, that doesn't relate or impact on The Huns. Yes, The Champions League draw this Friday, 5pm for all non-Huns, has got Nakamuras sushi juices flowing.

He quite rightly states that he doesn't want AC Milan or Benfica as we are fed up playing them. Having a look at the pots, the perfect hot and cold balls draw would be Lyon, PSV and Cluj. But...I have a feeling we are due an English team and that team will be Arsenal along with Roma and Fenerbache.

To finish with this article from The Times, which asks whether Shunsuke Nakamura is a genius or over-rated. LoTW says genius.

Forza

Update: Why has this Madlung story appeared?, Steven Fletcher? and why is our manager watching Hartlepool v WBA this evening?

Thanks to Number 7 from KDS for the photo.

You start the day with a 51 goal partnership up front and you end it with two players who only met each other the day before doing a good impression of a partnership as fully formed as Cannon and Ball. Also, a bit part player who looked to be on the way out, suddenly becomes your 'change the game' option from the bench and the lesser spotted Riordon, usely seen wandering aimlessly around Edinburg or in deserted stadiums, getting a whiff of a last chance.

Maybe, that's a bit far fetched but you can bet your last thin dime that our successful olympian, Chris Killen, was glad that he let David Beckham replace him today's closing ceremony, as all the fireworks he needed was at CP yesterday.

With Scott McDonald being laid low with problems with his abductor muscle, rumours than it was groaning under the weight of his arse are unconfirmed, and Vennegoor tearing his tights, successful olympian Chris Killen, who came 2nd only to Usian Bolt as Olympian of the games, has got the chance to drag his carthorse pulling a train frame round CP and other unsuspecting Scottish grounds.

LoTW hopes that he is only seen when we are 3-0 up and we need to give Shaun Maloney or Samaras a rest. In saying that, Shaun made Sammy look like a player yesterday, in fact Shaun made functional and pragmatic Celtic look like a team in the second half.

Football is a simple game if you give the ball to footballers who can play football. If you give the ball to, say, Mick McManus, the chances are the will hoof the ball aimlessly up the park to no-one but..if Mick opens his eyes and see's Nakamura coming short for the ball and plays it to him then we maybe play something that resembles football.

We never got near anything that resembled football until Shaun Maloney came on. Shaun showed the kind of football intelligence that we lacked all last season. His link up play with Sammy was a delight and showed what we lack with Skippy and Vennegoor up front. He was a stick on for MOTM but how did the others fare...

Arfur Boruc, got his gloves dirty having to save a few long range efforts so he will be glad of the clean sheet bonus as he needs the money to pay the £50,000 fine that he got for having a bevvy in Rotterdam. I don't care that he likes a drink. As long as he plays the way he did then he can have cans of Special Brew in the net with him.

Andy Hinkel, had a ok game, he didn't do much but what he did do he done, eh, without much fuss. He still offered us nothing in an attacking sense. On the other flank Mark Wilson had another storming performance and he must be a stick on for the RB role when we do sign a LB or when Lee Naylor returns. Yes, LoTW feels that Lee Naylor returning is the lesser of 2 evils.

In the centre 'heid and hoof' had a new look. Loovens took the heid role and had a quiet game. Won a few headers, had a couple of nice sideward passes but did nothing to suggest that he is any better than what we have. Mick had another out of sorts game. He scored after he punched the ball into the net but his passing was woeful and he looked as mobile as a car with no wheels.

He needs to do the simple thing. Like pass the ball to Aiden or Nakamura. Nakamura once again showed why he should be the first name on the team sheet. He is always available and when he plays we play. We should be doing everything to ensure that the man fae Japan is here beyond this season as CP will be a poorer place with out him.

Aiden, had a decent 2nd period, linked well with Shaun and looked liked last seasons Aiden for at least 15 mins. In the middle, Hartley was Paul Hartley and Scott Brown threatened to become something other than an engima with a poor first touch. I don't understand his role in the team. When Marc Crosas came on for a 15min cameo, when he showed he is footballer, he dropped deeper and allowed Hartley to go further forward. This was noticeable but when Hartley and Brown are the pairing you don't know who is meant to do what.

Up front, Vennegoor spent the first 20 odd mins chasing Micks hoofs and might have been glad to get carted off as it looked like he was in for a unproductive afternoon and Sammy scored 2 goals, one was very lucky as the shot was as weak as Skol lager, missed a sitter and the jury is still out on him. Strikers are measured in goals so he is top dog at the moment for all his failings. Chris Killen, should have scored and did nothing of note apart from make LoTW wonder when Ben Hutchison would be fit. 

Shaun Maloney? I want to have his babies. The only thing that was missing was a goal.

3-0 flattered us as Falkirk had a few decent efforts but they lacked a cutting edge. Our backline was there to be tested but the lack of talent up front will hurt The Bairns. The North Stand 'instantsuccess' brigade went home happy, that we showed signs of life and they will get the chance to boo Chris Killen and pin the scapegoat card on him.

John 'Yogi' Hughes, the Celtic legend who has scored at Ibrox, took part in the new sport that is sweeping Scotland.....referee bashing. He moaned...

"I felt McManus handled it - and okay everyone makes mistakes, but you feel disappointed about it," I'm not going to say too much about the second goal, but from where I'm sitting, that one was offside."

....well, from where I was sitting it wasn't offside and a look at the stats show it wasn't offside. Yes, the first one was a handball but it took me 167 viewings to see it was a handball. The MIB, who is the worse ref in Scotland, wouldn't have had a hope in hell of seeing it.

But hey, lets not let that get in the way of a good moan. 

Our manager decided to ignore the useless MIB and bigged up our new players while ignoring the failings ..he said..

We maybe didn't play as well as we should have in the first half hour, but once we introduced Shaun, that helped as well. I was happy with Marc Crosas went he went on as well, but there wasn't really any disappointments with the team really." 

Shaun Maloney, Glenn Loovens and Marc Crosas should be beware that after their debuts the only way is down......

Highlights here.

Forza

Thanks to Number 7 on KDS for the picture.

Glenn Loovens sees 'Heid and Hoof' in action.... 

Lotw, is glad the seasons back. We have meaningful games to moan about. No more glorified training sessions to watch and post reflective, rubbish blogs about and last, but by no means least, live ammo to slaughter the players, justifiably, with.

It also brings new LoTWites to the blog, HAIL HAIL to you, you know who you are, have you got me as your favourite blog yet?, and the irregulars who use this blog like an off shoot of Dear Deidrie, back in from wearing socks and sandals on respective beaches, while drunk on cheap wine.

Now, while the reaction to the 'point gained' at Tannadice could be measured as extreme as a Hezbollah Training camp, LoTW, as it usually does in times of trouble, comforts itself with stats and drink. Last season we only failed to gain points on 4 occasions away from home. We also gained 1 point only once and the rest of the time we gained all 3 points in performances that were pragmatic, functional, lucky and good.

But the point gained at Tannadice also brings up the nightmare thought that our performances last season, that were pragmatic, functional and lucky will be the fare again this season unless we change personnel, change the system or splash the cash and bring in better quality.

At least we have seen some change in personnel this week.

LoTW sings 'Hosanna' and counts the cost of the experiment that was Thomas Gravesen. The Danish Scott Brown, disappeared into the sunset a multi millionaire after, a case of mistaken identity left him dining in Madrid, with Zidane, on steak and fine wine, while Lee Carsley cursed his baldyness and feasted on fast food with Phil Neville and is now tasting the delights Birmingham has to offer. LoTW reckons Tommy owes Lee a few beers.

Tommy was a 'Green Chip' signing. His debut against Aberdeen proved to be a false dawn as quickly his wandering around like a drunk tramp on meths became his trademark. The Champions League produced his most embarressing moments and the DVD, working title ' How To Blow £6m Quid' , will fronted be Harry Hill and available free with The Sunday Mail.

He was brought to save us from pragmatic, functional football but, like Jiri Jarosik was a disappointment, couldn't lift us above the average level and sometimes both looked like they couldn't reach the functional level. 

Another midfielder that left us this week was Evander 'Boooooo' Sno. The North Stand favourite scapegoat left to go back to his first club Ajax. Evander 'Booooo' Sno, had a decent first season, where he made running like a flat footed penguin look graceful, but as he faded the 'instantworldbeater' brigade turned on him and recent appearances were met with audible groans.

The big fellow had decided that he has had enough and returned to the country of his birth to coaches and fans that rate him as a future internationlist and star. Andy Hinkel has now replaced Sno on the North Stand Scapegoat list and we fully expect him to be booed within the month.

Good luck Evander..but a lot would rather see pragmatic and functional players like Hartley and Robson.

In that quest to keep the Status Quo of the squad, 'Down, down, deeper and down', new signing, new benchwarmer and future reserve team captain Glenn Loovens modelled the new home kit, which a snazzy green and white hooped number and nothing like last years green and white hooped number. Our manager commented while kissing a photo of the 15m rated 'Heid and Hoof'....

"It would be great if we had £20m to spend on a defender. If I had it Glenn wouldn't be sitting here, it would be Rio Ferdinand. But we have a certain amount of money. It gives us the chance to develop our own players which is exciting and good for us. Glenn wants to get better."

....think the manager sums up the frustrations, that are now at boiling point within Celtic support. We don't need players to make better, we need players that are ready to improve the first team and Crosas, Loovens, Samaras and McCourt don't shout out that they will improve the team.

The feeling Loovens is an after thought and a cheap option is further highlighted by Loovens, former team-mate, for all of 3 weeks, I'm not a Billy I'm a Tim, Ross McCormack who, when asked about Glenn said...

"He never panics and is a mixture of Boumsong and Kyrgiakos. He is going to do really well at Celtic."

.......comparing them to, two of the worst CB's ever to disgrace the SPL. Not a great start eh?

Seems like hope is riding over the hill, on a wee wooden horse and a player with 'pedigree', who will walk back into the team and, hopefully, improve the team. Wee Shaun Maloney, will return like the prodigal Bawwy (8) after a failed spell in England. We welcome him without much doubt as we are desperate.

The Hail Hail of the week, goes to irregular LoTWite 'Seven' for his take on the most interesting aspect of the return of the Shaun....

"do u think if him and mcdonald were ever played upfront together it would be the biggest 2 rear-ends of all time in a celtic partnership"

.....naw, I reckon the biggest arses ever to play up front Celtic were Wayne Biggins and Andy Payton.

So, we play Falkirk in our next league game. Falkirk have only won once at CP since their return to the SPL and that was in the Diddy Cup on pens, when Evander 'Boooo' Sno missed the crucial pen. We have played them 6 times and have won 5, scoring 13 goals and losing 3 in the process.

Aiden McGeady is our top goalscorer against them with 5 goals in total. As Aiden looks as likely to score as the elephantman at a supermodel convention then the LoTW Bonkers Bet, a bet that 'youwidbestupidtofollow' means that I will go for Celtic to win 2-1 with a functional, pragmatic and lucky performance with Jan Vennegor scoring first.

Maybe we will see some new players.

Forza

Thanks to Celtic Stats for the information used in this blog.   

"Too many Florence Nightingales...Not enough Robin Hoods."

Pre-season is over. The games that are akin to, two men fighting in foam sumo suits are done with and tomorrow, at 12:30pm, our bread and butter is served. Pre-season yielded, 3 wins, 3 defeats and 2 draws. It lacked performances and you can count on under half a hand the number of pluses that can be taken from the games.

But before LOTW gets to the preview lets pick holes in the transfer merry-go-round. The Celltic Beta-max video player, last used by John Barnes to watch Brazilian porn, has been burning the midnight oil and it 'looks' like Marc Crosas will be our 3rd signing of the most boring summer in the world EVER!

Our manager backs his judgement on video evidence as a gamble. He say's...

"I've just seen video tapes of Crosas. I don't think many of us have seen him live. On what we have seen on the tapes and references we have heard from other people, it is well worth a gamble for £400,000,"

It's great to see our scouting network has not got above recieving videos of blokes and us making a decision on what we see. LOTW hopes Crosas is not fit for glue and only has 3 legs like most of the nags LOTW gambles on. Does this revel that the database of players is just shite and we do leave things to chance?

Anyway, Sky Sports News ran a story regarding Marko Bassa and Gabriel Tamas. Once LOTW had stopped hitting his head of a wall I read said story and both are not coming. I'm fed up of these two being mentioned. If any of them sign they better be as hard as trying to get shite from a rocking horse.

Also, they were unconfirmed reports last night of a 'Manintheknow' wandering around Glesga last night shirtless, after stating his nice Marks and Spencers white short sleeved shirt that Shaun Maloney would be signing by Friday.

Well, as far as LOTW can make out, wee Shaun wasn't seen waving his wee short arms and reading a prepared statement bemoaning his decision to become 'LiamMillerfied', much to LOTW's disappointment.

To the big one. How do we go about winning 4 in a row- which shall be known as '4iar' from now on- and do we have the skills to pay the bills to ensure this happens?

Before the Huns decided to take thier Espanyolification to new levels and continued thier quest to be 'ManCityfied' before 2010 with thier defeat in midweek to Hearts feeder club, LOTW predicted at the end of last season that our target should be over 90 points for this season.

This is now a must. No matter how poor R*ngers are, they have enough to get points from most teams and without Europe to trouble Novo, Broadfoot, Weir and Miller they will, or should, be able to give us a run for our money.

For us to get over that 90 points mark we must improve our home form. We dropped silly points last season and we really need to get a few teams skelpped at Celtic Park to ensure the fear factor returns.

St Mirren drew last Decemeber at Celtic Park and also gave us a fright at Love Street. They didn't lose many goals last season and have added players in the close season to try and improve thier goals for stats. Since thier return to the SPL they have been beaten twice and drew once at The Home Of The Champions losing 8 goals and scoring only 2 in the process.

Big Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink is our top scorer against St Mirren, with 3 goals at home, and the big mans pre-season form means that he could be a decent bet to score against them again. He had his fare share of abuse last season but the bigman scored a few important goals in the run in and showed he was a big time player for us.

Confidence seems to be back and he was captain for a few pre-season games, showing how highly regarded he is in the squad, so I think another 20 goals is the least we can expect from Jan. If not, then he is a lazy basturd who couldn't lace John Hartson Boots.

As well as being a big season for Jan, we have to see if Scott McDonald and Barry Robson are not just flashes in the pan. Second season syndrome may come into play with them and they may struggle and revert to SPL average type.

Scott Brown. £4.4m. A nark for Hibs. Should be a nark for Celtic.

Pre-season also saw the emergance of Paul Caddis as a contender. With our hapless transfer business not being complete it's hard to see where he will be, in squad terms, by the 1st September.

Right back instead of Hinkel is on mosts wishlist.

Since we are going into this game with the same team and the same formation as our manager told us...

We tried one or two things abroad and that will help us in our own European campaign, but we will play 4-4-2 against St Mirren on Sunday. “I think fans like us playing that way and we feel comfortable that way.

......unsure about us feeling comfortable playing that way, esp when we play midfielders out of position just to keep that formation, but LOTW has no concern about the guys and formation that won us the league getting the cance to start of the new season.

Until we sign better players, then they can all get tae fuck to Burnley and Preston.

So, LOTW's bonkers bet has returned for the new season. First 'youwidbestupidtofollow' prediction is...

Celtic 3-0 and Hesslelink to score first.

Now, to the bit you should be bored off but a word from my sponsors.

Fantasy Football. Join up as there is great prizes and LOTW has a mini league, which has been donated a prize for a winner!!!! Join up and follow the links to 'Join a League' and the league is called LOTW Super Lager Division 1 and password is Bolloxs.

There seems to have been a small problem but it looks like it has been solved by people in white coats, glasses and who are virgins.

Also, the Celtic home page has all the gubbings I talk about in the 'Throw In' section- which you can update and contribute, players profiles, videos and blogs, you can also join the 'One Star Means More group', a group celebrating one is better than five.

It's your page....use it.

If you wish to contact LOTW, leave a message on the profile page and I will get back to you if I can be arsed.

Forza

"I'm working on a cocktail called 'Grounds For Divorce'"

So like all other Timternet blawhards, the news that Gabriel Tamas went home without sealing the deal was blow. A lot of 'trusted' sources lost thier houses after staking thier mortgages that is was a 'done deal'. Sounds like the deal was done but Celtic have pulled the plug.

This was a long running saga, which reeks of stale beer and pish. Due to the nature of non-leaks coming from The Holy Ground even the usual men 'intheknow' are being coy now with what they are spouting. The LOTW 'Shitofilter' has had to have had a MOT to ensure only the best gets through.

Remember a few weeks back LOTW announced that Sammy and Shaun Maloney would sign? Well, Shaun could be here for the flag day if Saint Martin Of O'Neill comes to his senses, which he seems to have lost this summer with his rantings over Gareth Barry and Liverpool, and sends Shaun back with his tail between his fat arse cheeks.

But....after Tamas, don't trust the messenger. I mean, LOTW paid good money to a Romanian Mole for the lowdown on Tamas, which is now useless. He has now paid him good money for the take on Marko Bassa, which also now seems useless. Two CB's down and LOTW fears that Zander Diamond is coming into view...

Still, the news broke to us by Celtic Offside that a deal between Celtic and Barca had been struck for Marc Crosas. Bit of confusion concerning the deal but it seems around maybe £700,000- with only £400,000 up front- in total dependent on appearances and titles with Barca having a buy back clause for £1.65m in 2010 and also a % of any other sell on fee.

Bemused why this signing is causing so much excitment. Untried player, nominal fee and very young. Smells of Evander Sno or at worse another Massimo Donati. Seems to be Timdom is expecting big things from a player we shouldn't really be expecting big things from.

Also, the fee is hardly us breaking into the transfer kitty, which is around David Bentley's torso.

Our pre-season ended last night with a 1-1 draw against The City Of Manchester. The impressive Martin Petrov exposed the unimpressive Andy Hinkel to opening the scoring, then Paul McGowan scored a deserved equaliser for The Hoops with 10 minutes left. We could have stole it at the end but that would have been harsh on the stuffy, hardworking and well organised Citee side.

For once in pre-season we learned a bit and this game was a worthwhile exercise. A couple of first teamers got another chance to get thier sharpness- Jan Vennegoor of Hesslelink had an othe impressive 45 mins and Paul Hartley had his best performance of pre-season.

A couple of fringe players proved they would be better of elsewhere. Tommy Gravesen should have been bundled out of Celtic Park in a cage and been wisked to The Hague to stand trial for impressionating a Danish International football player and Derek Riordan showed that he couldn't give a fuck with another performance lacking in anything.

A few of the youngsters stepped up to the plate. Scott Cuthbert was impressive against the pacey Man Citee attack, Paul McGowan showed that he maybe could do a job and continued his impressive pre-season outings but Paul Caddis must now be chapping the managers door. His second half run out was the highlight of the evening.

Direct, pacey and confident bursts on the right wing gave us something we were missing. Bench is the least he will be frequenting when the real stuff starts.

So, in all a decent game, well, a worthwhile game that we learned from. Our manager said 

We brought on pace, energy, ability with the kids. "They lifted the crowd and lifted me, so one or two can be pleased with themselves.

Yes, they can. But whether they will be used in the coming season depends on who comes in and who leaves.

Update: Yer man here, will be foghorning his views, while sounding like Irvine Welsh and an out of tune Ian Brown, on the This Week In Football Podcast later on today. So, expect.."Ah's", "Mmms" and pauses in the strangest of places.

Over on the darkside, there self styled 'Espanyolification' continues with thier defeat to Hearts feeder club FC Kanus. Apart from them already giving us £400,000 when they signed Kenny Miller but they felt the need to give us all the Champions League TV money that is allocated to Scotland, which is £2.5m.

I hope Celtic use this money well.

Defeat has left R*ngers in a state of uber-rage. Here we find John Smeatons ugly sister threatening David Murray with a move that the 'Kung Fu Panda' would be proud off and from Lithuianian Tv this wee bit of footage of the post-Manchester travelling Hun. Check out the fat bassa with the Champions Flag round his arse. That must be an auld flag.

Ok, a word from our sponsors.

Fantasy Football. Get yourself logged on and join the LOTW Super Lager Division 1, follow the instructions 'How to join a mini league' and join today. League name is LOTW Super Lager Division 1, and password is Bolloxs.

I now have a great prize. I'm not telling you what it is but......I will need your chest size and colour if you win the league.

Again, all the wind and pish that I spout about is on the Celtic home page. You can contribute to this page by adding stories- called throw ins, photo's, player profiles and vids. It's your page and your team so use it.

I see a lot of new Celtic fans have joined over the last few days. A big welcome and I hope to see you contributing.

Forza.

Ps....for those on holidays, was that alright for you?