Unfortunately for you, me and Levy the distress flares are fired and beneath their cold illumination the rest of the Premier Ships gather to watch the end of the THFC fire Sale.

No amount of courage or calculation can retrieve what is evidently a shambles. Bob's bailed and the second rat now sings his siren song to the Caledonian cloak & dagger man.

The situation is compounded by the inability to magic up replacements. the entirely over wooed Arshavin was a punt that has turned into the way we are planning to pay the rent and but the groceries.

Consultant surgeon Wendy's diagnosis was impeccable. Pervasive pessimisim. But his cure had a false remission and a nasty bout of Ratsoverboard (Insipidus Dessertus) broke out in the Armoury.

The transfers in have not equalled those out for a club so vocal over top four ambition. Simple as. The only bright spot is Woodgate. Speaking as a captain ought to.

"They... go. They vanish. People. Civilizations. Languages. Philosophies. Works of art disappear, species are extinguished, books are lost, sities drown, things once thought immortal suddenly aren't there at all. Train compartments, snuff, galoshes, paintings, dreams and innocence, music. A glossary of the missing. A cabinet of absent curiosties."

Lost Worlds - Michael Bywater

Today will be fun. Unless you're Tottenham of course. It turned out that the fella who'd been down the gym all summer working out was still a seven stone weakling after all. On his first trip to the beach he got Egyptian sand kicked in his face and his 99 stuck on top of his head for good measure by some fat bloke and his northern mates.

Wendy has called for calm. I do like him. A call for something was in order and calm is as good as any successful Russian transfer in book right now. The 'might' of Sunderland is equal to that of Boro so it is in our hands now to readdress the 90 minutes wasted last week. Ramos knows that which we don't and that is the likelihood of more inbound transfers to The Lane is now slight.

The Russian deals have progressed on a par with invading their motherland in Winter and the speculative conversations with all the others in the rest of the world have generated little or nothing beyond what was established in conversations had before the Euros. My fear is the usual backlash borne out of frustration and an awful lot of 'newer' fans who signed up for rather more than what you and I would call 'the usual nonsense'. Spending another £30 million on players unproven in this league would guarantee nothing anyway.

Brian Glanville's Immutable Law Of The Ex hovers over this match like no other. The potential unmitigated disaster of defeat would be compounded beyond all belief if Roy Keane and our 'so called' also rans were to beat us. I don't want to dwell on that.

All we can hope and indeed demand is that every man gives it his upmost. Teemu is rumoured to be out, but perhaps some of our lot will remember his spirit come Saturday...  and with the singular exception of the Bulgarian Rat... no one from our lot - gets lost.

Wendy says that his hopes and aspirations are still intact which is terrific news as we're only one game in. And whilst some of us thought that Mitka was merely contemplating if his 'chewing gum lost it's flavour on the bedpost over night' it emerged he too was eyeing the future. Really!

Hofmeister encouraged us to follow our dreams if our dreams were yellow tins of low rent lager and follow the bear. Dimitar has at last revealed his sights are set on following a man who at the very least looks like a bear these days, Eric Cantona. I churlishly look forward to seeing you in a decade's time then with three chins and a beard desperately trying to get acting roles that Gerard Depardieu has turned down.

I predict more days like these of uncertainty, navel gazing and boredom. We need more than one or two of these prospective signings to materialise. We need to get our house in order and now. Sunderland is a must win game. Chelsea Away and Villa indoors are just up the road and the outcome of those two games could, unbearably shape our season.

This is brief friends, but I see no point in us chasing our tails here.

Prematch Prattle is a coming. 

I dream of Jeannie.

We're back Yids and ready to rock.

This campaign is going to be a long one and it starts with a visit to a man who describes being beaten at home 'like being burgled'. 

Tottenham don't have great form at Middlesbrough but I'm convinced we'll get a pull for a successful smash & grab at the very least.

This could potentially be a masterclass for Spurs. Boro are almost certain to play deep and want Tuncay or Aliadiere to spring Mido or Alves. If our virtually brand new fully fitted luxury midfield boss it and our defence live up to expectations I cannot see this lot stopping us.

Modric & Co. have far greater intelligence and ability than any of Southgate's charges and it's the midfield that will decide this. As far as strikers are concerned I expect at least another Bent goal and say if he scores on Saturday they'll be no stopping him all season.

Berbatov? Who knows or cares. He's been in the shop window all summer and to what purpose? Faded from prolonged exposure and dead flies his only companions. His position's untenable. When he goes there'll be a scrutiny of what we got for him and if he stays it reflects market forces not desire.

Predictions? 0-2 to the Tottingham which is as good as 11/1 in places where you don't have an existing obligation to the house.

Here's terrific video to get you in the mood from YiDo Productions. More great Spurs vids are available from them and others HERE.

BIOYC!

                                             http://www.oleole.com/fantasyfootball.

Harry's Pert Sweaty Fantasy and the entry code is 'oleole'. Signing up is not only free and easy, but do remember, you must pick a squad from the same league you're joining, mine is a Premiership Mini League!

Goodluck armchair generals, Rome (Italy) salutes you! 

If not, then where is the Party Atmosphere?

http://community.footballpools.com/blog/2008/08/14/which-stadium-has-the-best-atmosphere-in-the-premier-league-4/

There's little or no sign of Agent Smoothbum at Checkpoint Charlie.

'Luka not only appears to live on the 2nd Floor, but appears to being locked in nightly by the Kangaroo Hughes.

So here's some light relief from the fun and petulance of this charming transfer window. The good people at The New Football Pools are asking which Premier League stadium has the best atmosphere? So let us enlighten them.

Perhaps, aside from adding to the Lane's Landslide victory here, could we hear your about your experiences 'Away'?

Regulars will know I have no truck with the 'I'm a better fan than you' schtick. Season ticket holders and those scratching to get highlights on a black and white portable are one and the same to me. Fans. But I have always said, you who travel are a different breed.

Getting to White Hart Lane itself is cause for so much whining and griping for some, but the boys and girls who routinely venture into enemy territory are the cut from a different cloth.

In the immortal words of dear Delia..... Let's be 'avin you!  

Slow news day my Aunt Fanny.

Before the opportunity to enter our Earlybird Fantasy Football tournament passes you by. The cut off day (or Holy Name Day, hahahahaha) is tomorrow so to be in with a chance of winning a fab prize in addition to the main competition....so get your team in!  

The Early Bird winner gets two League Match tickets of their choice to the value of €500. Remember folks, Ole Ole is truly global, offering the beautiful game in ten languages so don't shy away from this on the grounds that you don't live within the M25. You're dining at the top table here. We'll get you in anywhere.

In the main gane there's over €20,000 worth in prize value inc. a Champions League Final package. As our American friends describe it, in Rome, Italy.  At the other end of the scale is Harry's Pert Sweaty Fantasy League's overall winner who'll be sweating up nicely in his/her polyester nasty/Premier League Replica Shirt of their choice. Proper prizes all the way down to 10th spot in a free to enter game. Just get on with it.

Here's the link.  http://www.oleole.com/fantasyfootball.

Harry's Pert Sweaty Fantasy and the entry code is 'oleole'. Signing up is not only free and easy, but do remember, you must pick a squad from the same league you're joining, mine is a Premiership Mini League!

Goodluck armchair generals, Rome (Italy) salutes you! 

Early bird sign-up - pick your team by August 14, 2008 and get entered into a drawing to win 2 league match tickets for the teams of your choice!

The war of attrition has, as we speak, been won. Quite who by remains to be seen.

The deal between Zenit St Petersburg and THFC has reached some class of conclusion and the player heralded as Pointy Shouty Bloke's replacement is on his way to The Lane.

Zenit were adamant that he was worth €25 million and Spurs were convinced he wasn't. Quite where they met is anyones's guess. My hope is it was nearer what the man with a first from Cambridge had in mind originally, rather than the thought of either Benty or Johnny Two Saints getting injured forcing his hand to a fuller figure.

This deal may yet collapse. For reasons well documented before this piece. The devil has been in the detail and if ever there was a precedent set for transfer tomfoolery then it was this one.

I have to admit a slight sense of sowhatness about this transfer. Don't get me wrong, he may well still cause the havoc required but as an effective replacement for both Bob & Berba it is, to quote that hairless Hogmanay Herbert off Sky Sports, 'a big ask.'

There's no doubt that Tottenham suddenly have a real array of creativity across the park. Suddenly so many proven providers. The doom mongering Bulgarian's form dipped and he looked for someone to blame. As per his insular wants I am convinced he looked to himself first and longest. (The pondering artiste in him would have curiously enjoyed that.) And then didn't have to look much farther. The squad of last season was full of people who didn't quite service him. Didn't quite do him justice.

Apart from Bob, of course.

And if if there was ever a key to this three lock box then the departure of that prize fight knacker was it. Keane's agenda was straightforward as that of a suicide bomber. And as a result, equally impossible to guard against. Bob acted alone, focused and probably motivated by little more than a desire to die for something... money, fame or the conclusion of a row he had with someone who dared to substitute him.

Keane going made things much much easier for the troubled Mitka. The springboard for all his own indulgencies, flights of fantasy, call them what you will was handed to him. Bob's bunk to Barryland is the justification he can use to cloak his own naked ambition.

The irony will not be lost on Berbatov that now Wendy has rearranged the entire team to accommodate both coherant defending and attacking... the tortured artist is doing the off. 

But now he won't want to dwell on that too much. Afterall, the boy has much dwelling to do and little time in which to do it. As his team mates were shrieking and making merry after the Carling Cup win, Berbatov's interpretation of a random urine test in an antichamber at Wembley was that this somehow emphasised his isolation. Not for him the simple joys that the other labourers enjoyed. His destiny was detachment.

You or I would have served them their glass of widdle as fast as and got back to the party. Our hero was soul searching.

Quite how this fuzz of melancholia will cope with Shrek bawling 'Get yer fooking foot round the c*nting thing yer fooking half dead c*nt yer' is anyone's guess.

Berbatov is in for one hell of a culture shock. His moping won't be tolerated in the 'can do culture' of Old Trafford where he will be expected by his colleagues and a capacity crowd to excell immeadiately and consistently if he is to survive.  

The consequences? 

The old alice band won't have much to do if he goes from Squirrel Nutkins to Terry Nutkin.

David Bentley was spotted in Ikea Croydon buying a 50p hotdog and told an onlooker he is due to sign for Tottenham this Friday.

DON'T FORGET YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL ENTRY! 

http://www.oleole.com/blogs/harryhotspur/posts/win-a-champions-league-final-package

The deadline for this deal was apparently set at midnight last night. Don't ask me by whom, I am merely a humble vessel passing on such valueless, erm, invaluable infornation.

Cesar Sanchez of Zaragoza is the boy.

Rumoured to be the missing great great grandfather of Rumplestiltskin he is aged 36.

An ex Real Madridista with Champions League experience Sanchez will make a refreshing change in that as a Premiership number two he won't be some poor guy suddenly thrust into the limelight should he be called upon.

The vulagrities of money, then. The fee is likely to be undisclosed as the financial thrust of this move centres around the salary of the Spanish Sticksmith. Tottenham were said by Heraldo newspaper yesterday to be 'assisting Zaragoza with their wage bill'  by taking him on a deal whereby they only had to continue pay of 40% of the goalies wages. Levy, you old cove.

The source of this story is Mrs Edith Carmichael, 72. Using only an upturned bucket, her tweaked NHS hearing aid and a home made periscope, she risked life, limb and Levy to bring you this breaking news.

Legless. Faces. 

Tottenham's most reverred player has seemingly not only let the side down but watched his Gucci jeans go the same way.

The Daily Mail appear to be positioned Bill Oddie twitcher style outside the premises of Faces Nightclub in Gants Hill. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1043575/Hes-tottering-hotspur-Worse-wear-footballer-Ledley-King-helped-nightclub.html 

And before you start screaming it's a hatchet job and these are recycled snaps from the Carling Cup bender http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1006503/Ledley-King-gets-red-card-nightclub-action-replay-Carling-Cup-victory-fracas.html you can plainly see these are two separate ocaasions. But the specifics aren't the point. Our captain shouldn't let himself be snapped in a hoop at all.

The only folk who get pleasure from these expose pieces are those selling the pictures and our rivals. There will be those emotionally damaged amongst you reading this who'll berate me for running this. But you don't address what is clearly a problem by sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting 'La La La I Can't Hear You.' If King fans want to bang the Ambassador For The Club drum, then they'll need Ledley to behave more like one.

I don't begrudge Ledders a champagne lifestyle. We've all come out the American Bar with a couple of hostages, a shoe missing and 'an Armed Response Unit en route'... But these public slurpfests are an embarrassment to everyone. I'm not going to get all pop pschologist on you and suggest that our captain's boozing is symptomatic of inner demons or depression. But you have to question why he would get himself into this state so publically.

This guy needs to show a bit more savvy and practice his Ollie Reed impressions far away from obvious low rent media shooting galleries like bleedin' Faces

Where everybody knows your... team is pants

Fantasy Football anyone?

The gloriously oversized behemoth of footy sites Ole Ole has the lot. Over €20,000's worth of glittering prizes.

First prize? A pair of Champions League Final Tickets with tip top accomodation thrown in. Rome baby, Rome.

There are prizes all the way down to tenth spot, tickets for top European matches, Playstations, games, Replica Shirts. Even the threat of some ropey Official Ole Ole merchandise.

There are too many fantasy games out there and let's have it right, we've had a dabble at most of them. Here are my findings. Number one - There isn't a game out there worth paying for. 

Number Two - Mini leagues are the way forward.  There is zero interest or reward knowing that you're 213,886th in an anonymous list. What we want is bragging rights.

There are five League tournaments you can enter across the global leagues. La Liga your bag? Then why 'go through the motions' just picking a Premiership squad? Good God, you could even 'go French'. There's a Budesliga League, Ligue 1 ans Serie A. You can play in seven languages.

But, if you want to really show off, Ole Ole have the Daddy. The European Super League. Yeah, your pick of all the players in all the leagues in Europe. 

Harry's Pert Sweaty Fantasy League overall winner gets Tottenham Replica Shirt of their choice.

Here's the link.  http://www.oleole.com/fantasyfootball.

Harry's Pert Sweaty Fantasy and the entry code is 'oleole'. Signing up is not only free and easy, but do remember, you must pick a squad from the same league you're joining, mine is a Premiership Mini League!

Goodluck armchair generals, Rome salutes you! 

Early bird sign-up* - pick your team by August 14, 2008 and get entered into a drawing to win 2 league match tickets for the teams of your choice!

 (*not to exceed €500)